


When you get what you want, but not what you need

by GG_and_MM



Series: Come Fly With Me [9]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Bottm Cas, Cas is all fucked up over Dean being fucked up, Dean is all fucked up, Destiel - Freeform, Flashbacks, M/M, Mentions of past rape/non-con and torture, Metatron finally gets what's coming to him, Mildly Dubious Consent, PTSD, Supernatural - Freeform, Top Dean, explicit - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-16
Updated: 2015-10-16
Packaged: 2018-04-26 14:09:02
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 13,617
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5007712
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GG_and_MM/pseuds/GG_and_MM
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dean is a mess. He may have escaped the physical constraints the demon had on him, but mentally and emotionally he's very much still locked in an ongoing battle between himself and his captors. He wants to break free, return to the happiness he shares with Cas with open arms, but he can't. So when Cas offers to help ease his pain will Dean be able to set aside his pride and accept what the angel is offering?</p>
            </blockquote>





	When you get what you want, but not what you need

**Author's Note:**

> Author's Notes: Written by Gabe's Girl, Beta'd by Miss Moose. This is the eighth story in the “Come Fly With Me” verse. If you’d like to start from the beginning start with Rebel Diamonds here: http://archiveofourown.org/works/4501938

_When you try your best, but you don't succeed_  
_When you get what you want, but not what you need_  
_When you feel so tired, but you can't sleep_  
_Stuck in reverse_  
_And the tears come streaming down your face_  
_When you lose something you can't replace_  
_When you love someone, but it goes to waste_  
_Could it be worse?_  
  
_Lights will guide you home_  
_And ignite your bones_  
_And I will try to fix you_  
  
_And high up above or down below_  
_When you're too in love to let it go_  
_But if you never try you'll never know_  
_Just what you're worth_  
_Lights will guide you home_  
_And ignite your bones_  
_And I will try to fix you_  
\--Fix You by Coldplay

"Morning," Molly says sleepily as she wanders into the kitchen. She's wearing pajamas, her hair falling out of a loose bun. She looks like she rolled out of bed 30 seconds ago.

Dean glances over the mug of his coffee. "Mornin." He looks back to the newspaper in his hand. It's early, really early. He didn't think he'd run into anyone in the kitchen. 

Molly gets a bowl of cereal and pours a cup of coffee, sitting down across from Dean. He feels her looking at him. She's probably expecting him to speak, but he's not going to. 

"How are ya?" she finally says between bites.

Dean shakes the newspaper. He doesn't look up. He hates this question. He resorts to his automatic answer, it's like a knee-jerk. "Fine." 

They ask it all the time, all of them. He can't escape it. Even strangers ask it, like they know, like someone told them what he went through. They ask it differently, and sometimes it doesn't sound like the same question, but really it is. 

_"How ya been, Dean?"_

_"You doin' alright?"_

_"How ya feelin'?"_

_"How's it goin'?"_

_"Everything okay?"_

On and on and on.

They mean well, deep down he realizes that, but the question still raises his hackles. He doesn't want to think about how he is. He wants to be left alone.

"Can't sleep?" Molly asks.

_Just leave me alone._

"Nope." Dean turns the page.

"Yeah, me either. Sometimes I wake up and I can't stop thinking about him being down there. Just gets under my skin, ya know?" She's talking about Metatron being chained up in the basement.

"Yeah," Dean looks over the paper, "he'll be gone soon."

She raises her eyebrows and nods. "Hopefully. Whatcha readin'?" 

He looks back down. "Newspaper." 

She nods, takes another bite of cereal, pushes a piece of loose hair behind her ear. 

"Yeah, but, what article are you reading?" She doesn't look up when she asks it. She has to know he's not in the mood to talk. 

_Take a fucking hint, Molly._

He lays the newspaper beside her hand and stands up. "Nothing exciting." He dumps the rest of his coffee in the sink and walks out.

_Dammit, Dean,_ he thinks, _quit being a dick._

He can't. For the life of him he just _can't_ quit being a dick. He's just so damned angry and lost and fucked up. He feels so fucked up. His head's a mess, he can't even navigate it himself, so what the hell answer do they expect when they ask him how he is?

_"Oh, ya know. I been better. I mean I've been to hell and back but that was nothing compared to this. My head is like a war zone, it's filled with landmines and I never know when I'm gonna step on one and fear or panic or anger will explode inside my brain. It'll take me over, rock me so hard I almost collapse, but I can't show that. Cause it would terrify everyone, and you all already look at me like I'm crazy, like I'm about to snap, so lord knows I can't show what's really going on inside my brain. So I'm fine. I'M FINE. Stop fucking asking me. Please."_

_Why won't they stop asking?_

At first he kept thinking he could get all the anger out. Beat the shit out a punching bag, kill some demons, and give it an escape. But it doesn't matter how much anger and fear and anxiety he lets out. There's more, there's always more coming. It's like a tidal wave. And it talks to him in Julie Andrews' voice.

_"Oh, Dean, you pathetic thing. You hit that stupid bag, you stab that demon in the eye. Do you actually think that'll make you feel better for a second? I can fix that. Here. Have a tsunami of RAGE."_

There's no relief. There's never any relief. He can't drink it away, he can't think it away, and he can't even lose himself in someone else. Sex can't even distract him. He can barely even tolerate sex. 

Poor Cas. He knows. He watches Dean like he's the parent of broken child. He looks so sad all the time. Cas wants to help, he tries, he tries so hard, but there's nothing he can do. 

And the sex. Dean wants it. He really does. He wants to lose himself in Cas like he did before. Everything is _Before_ and _After_ to him now. _Before_ he would lose himself in the angel, in Cas touching him, his hands setting Dean on fire. Dean has always been tactile, craving touch and intimacy like a hungry man wanting food, and he still does. 

But now, _After_ , it's like there's a disconnect. He imagines sex with Cas, he fantasizes about it and it's perfect, like _Before_. But when he tries to actually do it, it's all wrong. Cas touches him and all Dean can feel is pain. The minute Cas' hand makes contact with his skin Dean immediately thinks of what _she_ did to him there. He feels the pain of the razor or the knife or the blowtorch, it hits him like a blow and he pulls away. Sometimes he can get through it, sometimes he can lock his eyes on Cas and hold himself together long enough to get off, but not usually. And he's almost given up trying.

He hates himself. He's always hated himself in some way, but now he hates himself even more for ruining his own happiness. He's his own worst enemy. If he could just figure how to get over this, move on, let it go, he could be happy again. 

The thing he hates himself for the most, though, is ruining Cas' happiness.

Cas had been so happy, and it made Dean so proud to see it. When they were with other people or other angels, no one else could probably tell, but Dean could. It was the little looks Cas gave him, the stolen glances. He'd meet Dean's eyes for just a second, and then a soft smile would barely lift the corners of his mouth before he'd look down. The way Cas would stand taller beside Dean; square his shoulders a little more. It was never big public displays of affection, but small bumps of their elbows together, and Cas' words would falter, he'd lose his train of thought. He couldn't help but smile big and open. 

And when they were alone Cas was more than happy, it was like he lived in... bliss. He wanted to touch Dean constantly, and look at him, even if Dean was watching TV and paying no attention he'd catch Cas looking at him and smiling. Cas tracing his fingers, touching his cheek, leaning into Dean and taking a big breath and Dean loved it all. He'd call Cas a dork or a nerd but he cherished it, and now it's gone. Now those things are foreign and uncomfortable.

And Cas had gone from joy to sorrow.

So Dean is angry, and scared and probably about half crazy at this point. He keeps thinking about Metatron. If there's anyone he could take it out on that might make it feel a little bit better, it's Metatron. He's a despicable excuse for an angel. Not that any angel is perfect, but Metatron is a disgusting imposter if there ever was one. 

Dean had almost killed him numerous times, but Sam or Gabriel or Cas had always stepped in. Dean wants to kill him, he doesn't understand why they want him alive. His answers are ridiculous and they're not getting anywhere. The only thing close to a real answer they'd gotten had been a confession to Gabriel. 

_"Come on, brother. Our father is gone. He doesn't care what we do, he doesn't care about Heaven or Hell, Angels or Demons. He doesn't care about earth or humanity; he's shown that in a billion different ways. We need to wipe it clean, start over. Help me, let's make a fresh start! We can be God's! Let's get rid the world of these filthy creatures. Humans, they're disgusting. We can build a world we want, ruled by angels, pure. Help me."_

Gabriel had almost killed Metatron after that speech, Cas had finally intervened. 

And now they all blocked Dean from going into the basement, where Metatron is held. Dean knows he's down there. He wants to go in, unleash some of this fury onto a deserving recipient. Instead he can only stew. 

The anger is different from day to day, minute to minute. Sometimes it's like a landmine, those explosions that make him shake and grind his teeth. He stomps it down, tries to smother it, but it won't stay. Other times it's like a snake, it slithers up his spine, hissing in his ear. He _hates_ it. It makes him even madder.

He has nightmares. He wakes up soaked in sweat, gasping, eyes flying around the room. He swears he can hear her, the demon bitch Hiisi, who had sounded like Julie Andrews, taunting him. He can feel those razors again, and worse things, much worse. Luckily the nightmares stay away on the nights Cas stays. Maybe that means something, he doesn't know. Cas is still trying to give him space, stay out of his head. Dean appreciates it, but it means there are times he really wants Cas there and Dean is too proud to call for him. So he just stews more, gets angrier. 

Dean and Sam and Molly stay busy working on the war. Without Metatron things are getting even nastier. The demons are reckless and even more ruthless around humans.

Dean wanders down the hall toward the lower level entrance to the dungeon. Just double checking that the door is still secure. It is, he can't get down there. Lucky for Metatron. He strolls back to his room. 

It's before 6 am, but he has no plans for the day, so he breaks out a bottle of whiskey. It doesn't really help the anger, in fact he has to be careful not to drink too much or he starts to lose control of it. But if he's careful, if he rides that line it can help with the anxiety, help take the edge off. He pours a glass and flips on his TV.

Three hours later he hears yelling. He jumps up and runs out. Before he gets to the end of the hall he realizes it's nothing about Metatron, there's no danger. It's Sam and Molly. He stops and listens. Molly is yelling.

"Goddammit, Sam! Not facing the issue isn't helping! It's making it worse!" 

"I don't know what you want me to do!" Sam yells back.

"Get him help for Christ's sake! He's dangerous, can't you see that? He's dangerous to himself and everyone around him!"

Dean listens intently. _Are they talking about me?_

"No he's not! Come on, you seriously think he'd hurt one of us? We're his family!" 

They ARE talking about him, and Sammy's got his back. Dean smirks a little.

Molly lowers her voice. "Not intentionally, I know that, but he's," she pauses, "he's not right. Every time he goes on a hunt could be the one. The one time he has a flashback so bad he shoots one of us, or someone innocent. You know it, Sam. I know you do."

_They know I'm having flashbacks?_

"Molly, I-" Sam's voice breaks, "I don't know what to do." 

Dean starts to walk back to his room but he hears what Molly says next. 

"Neither do I, but I need some space for a couple days. I'll be back, okay?" 

_Shit!_ Now he's coming between Molly and Sam. 

_You fuck it all up, Dean, you always do._ He hates that bitch's voice. 

He walks through the library that evening and Sam is sitting there. Sam catches his eye and Dean nods trying to get out of the room like he's in a hurry.

"Hey, Dean, can I talk to you?"

_Dammit._

Dean turns. He doesn't walk back to Sam, maybe Sam will take the hint.

"What's up?" Dean asks. 

"Come on, sit down. Let me talk to you for a minute." 

Dean walks back and pulls out a chair. He sits stiffly.

"So how are ya?" Sam asks.

Knee-jerk. "Fine."

"Yeah, you keep saying that. Seriously, is everything okay, man?" 

"I'm good." Dean sits back and fidgets his hands. He wants _out_ of this conversation.

Sam sighs. "Okay," he looks down the table, "Listen, I wanna help you, Dean, I do. But I can't help you if you don't talk to me."

"Nothin' to talk about, Sammy." 

Sam looks like he's going to cry. He rubs his palms down his face. 

"Yeah, whatever," he looks Dean square in the eyes, "I'm gonna be leaving. I talked to Cas, he'll be here soon." 

"Leaving? You got a case?" 

"No, Molly and I… we had," he glances away, "…we had a difference of opinion. She left this morning, I'm gonna go talk to her. I don't wanna do it on the phone."

"Sounded like a pretty big difference of opinion," Dean says.

Sam's posture stiffens. "You heard?" 

Dean nods.

"Well then you know what's going on, so I guess there's nothing else to say." Sam's words are short. 

Dean loudly pushes the chair back and stands, walking away.

"Cas should be here by morning." Sam calls after him.

"I don't need a babysitter," Dean says as he rounds the corner towards his room. He wants to beg Sam to stay. He doesn't want to be alone. He hears Sam leave a little while later.

And then Dean is alone, except for Metatron. He knows Metatron is down there, one floor below him. His anxiety amps up. 

He's fine, totally fine. Nothing to be afraid of. He puts on a movie. He lies back on the couch and wonders where Cas is. Wishes Cas was here. No, he doesn't. It's better if no one is here. It's better when he's alone. 

He's alone.

Cold washes over him. He suddenly feels the restraints holding him to the table. 

_"Well aren't you a pretty hunter..._ " she coos. 

He sits straight up, takes a deep breath. _Goddammit, Dean. You're FINE._

_"You like that hunter? Hmm? I think you do, you want me to cut you again?"_ His hair stands on end.

His heart races, he closes his eyes.

_Keep it together. Breathe. You're in the bunker, you're safe. Cas will be here soon. If you need him you can just pray._

Maybe Dean should talk about this. But to whom? He won't burden his friends or family with it. Hell he doesn't even have friends, there's none left. All he's got is family. Sam and Molly, Kate and Gabriel, and Cas, that's his family. And he won't burden them with this. They don't deserve it; they've all been through enough themselves. So who does he talk to, a _counselor_? Fat chance of that. He's not spilling his guts to some stranger so they can pity him, or worse, laugh at him. No way. He's trapped. He's just as trapped now as he was in that room. 

He feels his heart slow to a normal rate. He opens his eyes. 

Sometimes he wonders how much Cas knows about what they did to him. He's pretty sure Cas has seen some of it in his mind, but Cas would never say. Dean wants privacy too much. Cas doesn't want to intrude. At this point Dean almost _wants_ Cas in his head, if only so he won't feel so lonely. But when he knows Cas has been in his head he gets angry. Cas can't win, and Dean can't do anything but get angrier. 

He gets up, looking for something to do. Puts books away. He's a little hungry, he makes a sandwich. Thinking about Cas. He misses Cas. Sometimes he misses Cas so much it hurts.

_"I think you like being burned, hunter. I think you get off on it.. You want me to burn your dick? Let's try it, see if you can finally get hard?"_

He's sweating, standing there with the plate of food he just made. He thinks he's going to throw up. He sets the plate down and goes to his room. He downs some whiskey straight from the bottle. He lies on the bed and puts his headphones on, blasts some music to drown out his thoughts. 

He thinks about Cas again. He wants to call for him but he doesn't want to seem needy, doesn't want to be a bother. He'll be here when he can. Sam had said Cas would be here by morning. 

_He wakes again, blindfolded on the table, arms and legs strapped down in multiple places so he has no movement. He can hear popping and crackling sounds, like electricity. They touch something to his arm and the shock rips through him. His muscles contract and seize, and he knows he's going to die. He's never going to see Cas again. Never. "Oh, that's just beautiful, Dean. Let's see what that does to your balls, doesn't that sound fun?"_

He sits straight up in bed, gasping for air. He fell asleep. He can't even close his eyes for a second anymore. "Son of a bitch," he says, wiping a hand over his face. 

He gets up again, walks over and turns the TV on. There's nothing to watch in the middle of the night, so he shuts it off, goes to the library to find his laptop. He sits down and pulls it open. He's got a ton of junk email, he starts clearing them out. A couple are porn. Curiosity gets the best of him and he opens one. 

He shouldn't do this. He knows he shouldn't. But maybe if he can just jack off he'll feel better. He's rock hard in no time, thumb rubbing his cock through his jeans. Where is Cas? Why did Sam leave him alone? Because Dean wouldn't talk to him, that's why. 

He closes his eyes, thinking about Cas, pushing his palm over his cock. Man, Cas would feel so good right now. He imagines kissing that rough jaw, wrapping his arm around Cas' lower back, whispering in the angel's ear.

_Dammit Cas, I haven't seen you in two days. Where the hell are you?_

Cas appears in front of him. "Are you alright, Dean?" he asks. 

Dean's eyes fly open, startled. He never imagined those thoughts would be a prayer, that it would call to Cas. He stumbles over his words. "Hey, hi, yeah no," knee-jerk, "I'm fine." He closes his mouth and clears his throat.

Cas turns his head slightly, his eyes tightening, trying to understand what's happening. "I'm sorry; I thought you called to me." Cas walks around the table and Dean can't shut the laptop fast enough, Cas gets a split second view of two people in a very compromising position. Cas stands directly beside Dean, very much invading Dean's space. His trench coat is inches from Dean's face. 

Dean won't look up, his face is burning. He covers his mouth with his hand, clears his throat again. "Well, I was thinking of you. I didn't know it would call out to you," Dean says, staring straight ahead. 

"Is that why you wanted me?" Cas points to the laptop. 

Something about this question hits a nerve with Dean; everything hits a nerve with Dean. He takes it as an accusation. "What if it is? Is there something wrong with that? Huh? I can't think about you like that or what?" His tone is harsh and Cas is confused by it. 

"I'm sorry, Dean, that's not what I meant." Cas looks concerned. 

Everyone looks so concerned all the time and Dean is over it. He stands, face to face with Cas. "Stop looking at me like that," he says. Cas is so close. Dean is so angry, he's so turned on. Both feelings are taking him over, confusing him. He grabs Cas hard by the lapels of his coat and yanks him in, kissing him furiously. 

Cas doesn't understand Dean's reaction; he doesn't know what's going on. He tries to pull back, but Dean wraps his hand around the back of the angel's neck. He holds him there, opening his mouth, kissing Cas hard and long. His cock is aching in his pants, he can't stand it. He unzips his jeans with his free hand and pulls it out. He's so hard he could break a board. 

Dean pulls back from the kiss, unbuckling Cas' belt; he can feel the angel getting hard. Cas doesn't touch Dean though, he's seen Dean's reaction to touch look like pain too many times lately. He's very still. Dean pushes the trench coat off, it puddles on the floor and he kicks it away. 

"I need you, Cas, I fucking need you. _Now._ " He turns Cas around and pulls his pants down, yanks the back of his shirt up. 

He pushes Cas down over the table and kicks his feet apart. Dean spits in his hand and rubs it over his aching dick, and then shoves himself deep and hard into the angel. It's rough; Dean knows it but he can't stop. The only reaction Cas gives is a low grunt, and he drops his forehead to the table. 

Dean rides him, hard and fast. He reaches around, grabs Cas' cock in his hand and tries to get him there. Dean can't last, and he can't get Cas there in time. Dean comes in minutes, sweating and hammering into Cas. 

He leans over Cas for a second, catching his breath, then falls backwards into the chair. This was bad. He slumps down, leans his head back, covering his face with his hands. He feels horrible. Cas is pulling his pants up. 

"I'm sorry." Dean can't hold himself together. He's so angry, he's hurting, and he feels lost and alone. The tears start. He's fought them so long, he's afraid once they start they'll never stop. 

Cas kneels beside him. He hesitates, finally reaching up, tugging on Dean's arms, pulling his hands away from his face. "Dean, I know you're hurting. I want to help, but you have to let me," he says. 

Dean won't look at him. He keeps his head back, eyes closed, tears dripping off his face and hitting the floor. He feels Cas put his hands on his knees, Dean winces. _She took a mallet to my knees. When you touch them it feels like a mallet slamming down._

Cas pulls his hands back, he doesn't push, he waits. 

"I don't know how," Dean says, voice shaking. He's never let anyone in; he's always dealt with everything on his own. It's just what he does. But he's not sure he can anymore. He knows he needs help, everyone knows he needs help. He wants to open up, but he has no idea where to even begin. 

"I think the first step is to look at me," Cas says. He stays kneeled down beside Dean. He doesn't move, he knows Dean well enough to know this has to be on his terms. When he's ready. Cas waited a long time for Dean, if there's anything he's good at, it's waiting.

It takes Dean a while. He's trying to wait out the tears but they won't stop. Finally he's frustrated and irritated with himself. He looks at Cas with bloodshot eyes and tears running down his cheeks. 

Cas takes his hand. Dean winces, but Cas doesn't let go this time. 

"How long has it been since you slept?" 

Dean looks at Cas, his eyes are so big and blue, and that blue is calming. 

_Calm down, Dean. Look at that blue. Breathe._

Dean clears his throat; he's determined to keep his voice even. "I don't know. I sleep a little bit here and there, I have bad..." His voice wavers and cracks. _Dammit_ , he thinks. He stops talking, closes up like a book. 

Cas sees it when it happens, Dean shutting down. All because Dean's voice showed emotion. Cas waits a few minutes, thinking. 

Dean is so broken and Cas wants to help him more than anything in this world but he doesn't know how. Every time he tries it seems to push Dean away more. Everything Cas does seems wrong and doesn't help. He knows what he wants to do, but he doesn't think Dean will let him.

"Dean, I've stayed out of your head. I know you don't want me there, I understand. But, it might make this easier if you allow me-" 

Dean cuts him off, he doesn't say a word, just emphatically shakes his head no.

"Ok, that's fine." Cas nods. "You're having bad dreams?" 

Those eyes, searching Dean's face. Dean feels like he's falling into them. _Stay calm, calm blue._

"Yeah," Dean says. 

Cas nods again. "Can you tell me what happens in the dreams?" 

"No. It's nothing. Just. It's just some of the stuff..." Dean trails off, shaking his head. _This is so stupid._ They're acting like Cas is a fucking psychologist or something. It's ridiculous. 

"Dean, please," Cas says, his eyes pleading. 

Dean wants to punch something, break something, shoot something. He wants to run, just drive off and leave whatever is happening in the gravel behind his tires. He's done. 

Cas can see it, he knows Dean is about to snap. He stands, stepping back, giving Dean space. He has no idea how to handle this really, everything he's saying and doing is a guess, a hope that something will get through to Dean. He's almost reached his limit. He's to the point that he wants to force down the barrier, see what's going on in Dean's head. His fear of causing more damage is the only thing holding him back. 

Dean stands up; his pants are still unbuttoned and barely holding on to his hips. He slams his fist down on the table. He hates this. He hates being broken. He hates scaring Cas, he hates feeling helpless, and he hates his own fear. He hates himself. He wants to scream and rage. He punches the table again and feels the bones in his hand snap. _GODDAMMIT!_

He looks at Cas, he barely sees him through the tears. He shoves the table away; it roars across the floor, it sounds like the inside of Dean's head. His hand is throbbing. He falls to his knees, collapsing forward, covering his head. He's beyond the breaking point; he knows there's no coming back from this. He feels Cas close to him, but he doesn't touch Dean.

"Help me," Dean sobs. There's nothing else he can say, no other words come to him.

Cas pulls him up to his knees, Dean's arms still covering his head. Cas pulls his arms down and places a hand on each side of his face. 

He doesn't really want to do this. He knows Dean doesn't want it and that's been his excuse since the beginning, but if he's being honest he doesn't want to do it for his own selfish reasons too. Cas had healed Dean's body once he got to him; he'd seen with his own eyes the damage done to his body. He'd heard Dean's prayers during the torture, he'd felt the immeasurable pain radiating through their bond. He felt Dean's fear, his absolute terror, and he'd eventually felt Dean hide away in his own mind. Dean had found a tiny spot to try and hide when the rape had started. Through all that Cas had stayed fully connected with Dean, never trying to tune it out or block any of it.

So maybe once they'd returned home Cas just hadn't tried hard enough to get Dean to let him in, because deep down Cas didn't want to see and feel it all again. And that's horrible. Cas knows it's horrible. He left Dean alone. 

He's not waiting any longer, he's in the chaos of Dean's mind and Dean doesn't even know it. He sees it all. The pain, the fear, the rape, the torture. Cas sobs, like it's all happening again, he's living it again. He sees the nightmares; he sees the loneliness, the anger, the fear, the anxiety. Cas sees Dean wanting him but not knowing how to ask for help. 

Dean watches the recognition wash over Cas' face. Tears fill the angel's eyes, spilling over those black lashes. Dean feels exposed, he doesn't like it but he can't fight anymore. He's too exhausted. 

"No, Cas," Dean says, but the words are weak. Dean closes his eyes; he doesn't want to see the pity on Cas' face. He can't look at that. 

"I don't pity you, I would never," Cas whispers. "I love you; all I want to do is love you." 

That's not what Dean was expecting; he never imagined hearing those words after what Cas just saw. They've never spoken of love -- they had been close _Before_. But now it's _After_ , and now Dean doesn't know if he ever could. But hearing Cas say it to him makes him feel both warm and full, and not worthy all at the same time.

"You are worthy, Dean," Cas says.

Dean shakes his head. "No." He can't finish the sentence. He's not worthy of Cas' love. Cas is an angel, Dean is, well, he's Dean.

Cas pulls Dean in, holds him up. Dean is limp against him. "It doesn't matter if you think you're worthy. You're worthy in my eyes," he says. He stands and tries to help Dean to his feet but he can't. 

Dean can't get his feet beneath him; he just wants to curl up on the floor. Cas leans down and picks him up, carrying him like a child. He walks slowly, taking Dean down the long corridors of the bunker to his room. He lays Dean down on his bed, pulling his pants off and tossing them aside. He helps Dean out of his shirt and then undresses himself. 

He lies beside Dean, pressing them together, skin to skin. This isn't about sex, it's about contact. Dean needs to not feel alone, and this is the only way Cas knows how. Dean has stopped crying, but he looks almost vacant now, which terrifies Cas. He takes Dean's hand in his, healing the broken bones. Then he touches Dean's temple, making him sleep. He holds him tightly for hours.

Dean has made his feelings very clear about Cas being in his mind, and he's been fiercely protective against it since the abduction. Cas has respected Dean's boundaries; he's given Dean space when he pushed him away. Cas has done all of this thinking he was helping Dean, giving him time, letting him heal. He knows now that he'd been wrong. _Very wrong_.

Cas feels the dream coming on, he feels Dean's anxiety amp up. He slips into the dream. 

_Dean is tied down tightly, not able to move his extremities at all. He's naked, his body riddled with burns, cuts, and bruises. A female demon holds a knife about a half inch from Dean's groin. Dean can't see it but she touches the cold of the blade to his belly and he winces._

_Dean's face is completely mutilated, his eyelids shredded. His nose is broken at a sharp angle, his cheeks cut in a garish smile. He won't acknowledge the demon in any way, no matter how much she taunts him. He wants to be unconscious again._

_Cas will not watch this, he knows what happens next. He speaks Dean's name, causing the hunter's eyes to fly open. Cas smites the dream demon; she doesn't even react because she's not real. She's a memory and she fades away when Cas touches her, like memories do._

_"Cas? Is it really you? I thought you'd never come, I kept praying for you but you never came. Why didn't you come?" Dean's face is pleading and desperate. This is when Cas truly realizes what has led to Dean's current state. He felt abandoned._

_Cas doesn't speak, he can't. He unties Dean, and then manipulates the dream around them. He places them in the Impala; Dean is driving down a backroad somewhere, Cas beside him. The sun is setting and the air is cool, and Dean is content._

Cas pulls out of the dream, out of Dean's mind. Cas shouldn't have given in to Dean pushing him away. He shouldn't have let Dean control this. Dean needs him; he's needed him all along but didn't know how to ask. This is Cas' fault; the severity of Dean's condition can only be blamed on Cas. Cas has to fix this. He doesn't know how. He will though, he's determined. He holds onto Dean tighter and buries his face in his hair. 

When Dean wakes sometime later, he feels almost drunk from sleep. He hasn't slept that many hours straight in ages. Cas is wrapped around him. 

Dean stiffens. He takes a deep breath, shifting in the angel's arms so he can stretch. He feels warm, still emotionally exhausted, embarrassed by what happened. 

"There's nothing to be embarrassed about," Cas says. 

Dean wipes his hands down his face. "Don't do that," he states flatly. 

"Dean, I'm not staying out of your head. Not anymore." Cas isn't arguing he's stating a fact. 

Dean turns his head, meets the angel's eyes. "Then leave." 

Cas stares back. "No." 

_Leave me alone._

"No."

They're at a stalemate, neither knowing what to say or do. Dean is not used to being told no. He stares at Cas a while longer, thinking, knowing Cas is hearing all the thoughts.

"You hungry? I'm hungry." Dean sits up, looking for his clothes. He doesn't remember Cas undressing him. That's disturbing. He feels a little shaky, must be because he's so hungry.

Cas pulls the blankets back, he's totally naked. He stands, moving to grab their clothes from where he'd tossed them. 

"What the hell, Cas? You take advantage of me in my sleep or something?" Dean tries to make a joke but it falls flat. His jokes never go right anymore. It's like Julie Andrews cut too deep and nicked his sense of humor, now it doesn't work right. Dean stands up, wearing nothing but boxer briefs. 

"No, I wouldn't do that," Cas says, he hands Dean his shirt. 

Dean blushes, remembering what he did earlier. He feels like shit over it. How could he do that? That had been done to _him_ , how could he do it to Cas? He's a monster. He'd given Cas no choice, it was basically-

"No," Cas says firmly. Cas touches his face, meeting Dean's eyes. 

Dean winces, she cut through his cheek with a razor right there. 

Cas pulls his hand back quickly. "I'm sorry, I-" Cas shakes his head. "No, Dean, it wasn't the same. I could have stopped you. I chose not to." It's all he says, and Dean is pretty sure it's all he'll ever say about what happened. 

Dean nods, he still feels like he needs to apologize.

"You already did that. I've accepted your apology." Cas buttons his shirt slowly, deliberately, watching Dean all the while. 

Dean pulls his shirt on, looking anywhere but at Cas. When he's done dressing he walks out of the bedroom, leaving the door open behind him. He hears Cas close it as he follows it from the room.

He goes to the kitchen; his plate of food from hours ago is still sitting there. The bread is stale. He throws it away. He rummages through the cabinets. 

"I wish we had some pizza," he says. He settles on a box of cereal. 

"I can get you pizza," Cas tells him, standing in the doorway 

"Nah, maybe later." Dean makes a bowl of cereal, sitting down at the table with it. Cas sits across from him. 

"You just gonna watch me eat?" he asks after a few minutes, glancing up from the bowl. 

"Yes," Cas answers. He sits quietly, hands folded in his lap. 

"Listen, I know you're busy with Heaven stuff or whatever. You don't have to hang around here." Dean sits back, pausing his eating. He watches Cas.

Cas leans in, "I'm not leaving, Dean." 

Dean's mind is racing, panicking, he's afraid to be alone but he's even more afraid for Cas to stay. He doesn't know why, it's like his mind and emotions are at war. He thinks about what Cas saw in his mind and he wants to throw up. 

Cas can hear Dean's mind moving a thousand miles an hour, he knows every thought the hunter is having. He feels the physical reaction Dean has about him knowing of the torture.

"I can take those memories away," Cas says, "erase them." 

Dean looks shocked for a moment, all his thoughts screech to a halt.

"What? Like make me forget?" His mouth falls open in a little O. 

Cas waits for this to properly sink in. He studies Dean, his jaw is thickly stubbled, he hasn't shaved in days. He still has dark circles under his eyes. His hair is sticking up where he slept on it. Cas doesn't trust his voice to be steady, looking at how beautiful Dean is, so he simply nods. 

Dean thinks, licking his lips. It only takes a few seconds and he's shaking his head no. Cas knew he wouldn't allow it, but he wanted Dean to have the option. 

"No, that's something a coward would do." Dean starts eating again. The fear of Cas knowing what happened has passed for now. He finishes his food in silence. 

As he's washing his bowl he's thinking of what to do. Maybe he'll search around, try to pick up a case. Cas moves behind him.

"That's not a good idea," Cas says. 

Dean is instantly angry. "I won't just sit around and let you play babysitter, I'll go crazy." He doesn't look at Cas. 

"I'm not babysitting you." Cas is not taking the bait. 

Dean goes to the library. He picks up the mess from where things flew off of the table and finds his phone blinking with a text. It's from Sam, telling him he finally got ahold of Molly and he's meeting up with her in a few hours. He'll let Dean know where they're at later. That text was from six hours ago. There's a voicemail from Kate asking what he's doing, telling him to call her.

He thinks about calling her and having Gabriel bring her to the bunker. _No_. He doesn't want to be alone, but he doesn't want to be with people either. Right now it seems like Kate would be good to talk to, but when she gets here she'll just look concerned and it'll put Dean on edge. 

"You can talk to me," Cas says.

Dean jumps. He turns and glares. "Stop," he tells him. 

"I'm not leaving, Dean, and as much as you want to ignore me it's not going to matter." Cas doesn't say anything else. 

"Alright," Dean says, as he sits down at the table, "let's talk. Got anything on your mind?" Dean always knows how to deflect. He's a master at it. 

"Yes." Cas sits opposite him. "I'm sorry I couldn't find you during... That time. We didn't understand what was happening until Gabriel got an image of a symbol-" 

"Oh hell, are we gonna go over this _again_? I already know all this, it screwed up the prayers, you couldn't find us, _I know_. We don't need to talk about it anymore." Dean's face is disgusted. He's over this already and it hasn't even started.

Cas contemplates backing down, and then realizes that's what got them here in the first place. 

"I know what you know, Dean, and I know that you felt like I abandoned you. I know you feel like I haven't been here enough since we got back. I thought I was giving you what you wanted. I'm saying I'm sorry for reading the situation wrong, for not handling it the right way. This could have been avoided if I had tried harder." Cas looks like he's going to cry and Dean can't look at that right now. 

He turns his head and looks at a wall of books. "You didn't read it wrong. You didn't _handle_ anything wrong. Nothing could have been avoided." Having to talk about this is setting off his anger, which makes him attack. "I don't want you here. I want to be left alone," Dean says. 

The words bite, even though Cas knows they aren't true. "I don't believe that," Cas says. He stares straight at Dean; he doesn't care if Dean won't look at him.

Dean looks at the floor, closes his eyes. "You know what's a bunch of crap?" He looks at Cas, anger contorting his face. "Huh? It's that you can hear every goddamn thing I'm thinking, but I look at you and you're a closed book. I have no idea what's going on in your head. That's a bunch of shit, Cas, and it's not fair." Dean doesn't move. The anger is still present on his face but his posture looks defeated. 

"If you want in my head so bad, then why weren't you in it when they had me tied up? Cause I sure as hell didn't feel you hanging around reading my thoughts then." Dean stands and walks away. He knows the conversation isn't over, but he can't take anymore right now. 

Cas watches him go. Dean has no idea what Cas felt during that time because Cas hasn't told him. Dean obviously knows Cas heard his prayers, but he doesn't realize Cas felt the torture, the pain, or anything else. And Cas really doesn't want him to know, because he knows Dean would feel guilty for something he had no control over. He tried to control his prayer but he couldn't, and that made him feel bad enough. Cas isn't sure what it would do to Dean if Dean knew what Cas was feeling during that time. 

Dean flips the TV on in his room and sits on the bed. He surfs through the channels absently, not paying any attention. He'd finally said something he'd been thinking for weeks, if Cas wanted in his head then why hadn't he been there in that room, on that table? Why? He's asked it now, shouldn't he feel better? He thinks he actually feels worse. If he's being reasonable he knows Cas couldn't help him at the time, he understands that, but he can't help feeling like Cas should have done _more_. Cared _more_ about finding him. 

He tries to rationalize that Cas has been giving him space because he wanted it. He's pushed him away at every turn, Dean knows that. He just can't stop thinking it was too easy to push Cas away, like the angel really didn't want to be there, and that thought makes him sick. Dean has always known he was broken, rough, too hard to love, and feeling like this reinforces it. 

"I won't let you think like that, Dean." Cas is standing across the room; he didn't bother using the door.

Dean almost jumps through the ceiling. "DAMMIT!" he yells at Cas. He's on edge enough; if Cas keeps doing this he'll have a nervous breakdown. He's shaking and sweating.

Cas doesn't react. He stands still, calmly watching Dean curse and sputter. "I didn't mean to startle you," he says finally. 

"No, of course not. I mean why would it scare me when someone appears in my room and starts answering questions _I didn't even ask out loud?_ " Dean's sarcasm is lost on Cas. He stands up and turns the TV off. 

"I want to talk about what you were thinking," Cas starts, but Dean is already shaking his head no, cutting him off.

"No. No, I don't want to talk about _any_ of this. Do you understand me?" He stares Cas down, daring him to speak. 

"That's the problem," Cas says, and he's gone. 

Dean looks around, wondering if Cas is still in the bunker or if he's gone back to Heaven. He doesn't know what to do with himself. He knows he can't concentrate well enough to work, he's known that for weeks. Sam is gone, there's no one else around. He thinks about getting drunk. He pulls out a whiskey bottle from the nightstand and tips it back. It sours in his stomach with the cereal he ate. He puts it away. 

He pulls out his phone and texts Sam.

_How's it going? You with Molly yet?_

He waits but there's no immediate response. He calls Kate back but she doesn't answer, he leaves a voicemail.

"Hey, it's me. Got your message, come over if you want. I'm probably not much company right now, hell I never am these days." He forces a laugh. "Maybe I never was, I don't know. Everything before is just..." He clears his throat. "Uh, anyway, you don't want to hear that, sorry. So if you wanna come over it's cool, I'm not doing shit." He hangs up. 

He decides to shower, clean up and shave. Then he sits on the bed. He's still tired but he doesn't want to sleep, he feels like he slept too much already. He vaguely remembers dreaming about the Impala, which makes him smile a little. He feels like he hasn't smiled in ages. 

He turns on some music. The anxiety comes on so fast, one minute he's relaxing and the next he can hear that soothing voice. It goes from soothing to terrifying in seconds; the hair on his arms stands up.

_"Ohhh, Dean, it's such a shame. That mouth's not even fit to suck that beautiful angel's cock now..."_

His eyes fly open, he wasn't even asleep. 

Cas is beside him a second later; he appears in plain sight and doesn't speak. He doesn't want to frighten Dean. He sits on the side of the bed and waits. 

Dean looks at him cautiously. He doesn't want to be treated like he's crazy, even though he knows full well he is. Dean thinks he should say something, but he doesn't know what. He knows Cas never left the bunker now; he never left Dean's head either. He wants Cas to speak first. 

Cas knows he can't win. Dean wants him to speak first because whatever Cas says will be wrong. He thinks about what he wants to say, finally looking at Dean.

"I never left you, Dean. I'm not leaving you now either, but I will leave you be unless you call for me," he says, and he's gone.

Dean kills more time. He tries to stay busy, and somehow just knowing Cas is there, _somewhere_ , helps keep the anxiety at bay. He's sitting on the couch watching TV when Kate and Gabriel come in. Gabriel flops down in a chair and pulls her onto his lap. 

"What's new Dean-o," he says. 

Dean rolls his eyes. At least he didn't ask how Dean is. 

"Nothing," he answers, looking back at the TV. "Just another beautiful day in the neighborhood."

"Indeed," Gabriel says seriously. 

When Dean looks back at the angel Gabriel is watching him closely. 

"Listen, I've got a few things I need to take care of in heaven. You mind if Kat stays with you while I'm gone? Won't take long, promise." 

"Yeah, that's fine." Dean looks away again. If Kate hadn't been with Dean that day she never would have been taken hostage. Dean couldn't keep her safe then; he doesn't know why Gabriel would trust him with her now.

Kate stands up and Gabriel stands behind her, wrapping his arms around her waist. 

"Don't have too much fun without me," he says into her neck, and he's gone. 

Kate and Dean pass the time watching TV. They talk a little, but not much, and not about anything important. Dean knows she's avoiding asking anything remotely close to how he's doing for his comfort, and he's grateful for it. 

Dean's phone dings with a text. 

It's Sam: _"You still have a tux that fits?"_

Dean studies his phone for a minute. He glances at Kate and then back at his phone. 

Dean: _"Yeah. Why?"_

Kate's phone beeps. She looks at it and then up at Dean. "Is that Sam?"

"Yep. Molly?" He points at her phone and she nods, 

Dean's phone dings.

Sam: _"Looks like we're having a wedding soon, you ready to be a best man?"_

Dean thinks on how he'll respond, he knew this was coming and he approves. 

Finally he says, _"How soon? Got time for a bachelor party?"_ Can Dean do a bachelor party? Is he too crazy? Would Sam even want him to? They're not on the best terms right now, but he did just ask Dean to be his Best Man.

Kate's phone beeps. She reads the text and looks at Dean. "Looks like I'm going to be a Maid of Honor. I've never been in a wedding before, have you?" 

Dean smiles slightly, "Yeah just one, but it was a farce. Sounds like this one's the real deal." He looks at Kate, smile broadening, perfect teeth showing. It feels good to smile, like he hasn't smiled in years. "What I really wanna know is, are you gonna wear a dress?" 

Kate laughs and then fakes a groan. "Ugh, I haven't been in a dress since high school graduation. I'll survive I guess." 

Dean's phone dings.

Sam: " _Better start planning, we want to have the ceremony in about a week."_

Dean raises his eyebrows. This is fast. He smiles again. This wedding is making him feel good. This is _good_. He hasn't had anything to look forward to in a while.

Dean: _"You got it."_

Kate makes a surprised little noise and Dean looks up. 

"They want Gabe to marry them," she says, her face completely shocked. 

" _What?_ Seriously?" Dean can't hide his surprise either. 

"Yeah, that was my exact response. She said they figure you can't have any more blessing on your marriage than having an archangel perform it." She shakes her head. "This could be a serious disaster." She's laughing just imagining it. 

Dean can't help but laugh with her. It really could turn into a fiasco, or it could be brilliant. It's a crap shoot.

"I'm going to have to get Cas a tux," Dean says. 

Kate looks at him for a long moment, studying his face. It changed when he thought of Cas. It got softer, she saw him almost smile. She smiles at him warmly. Dean looks back at the TV. 

"Dean," she says. 

He puts his hand up. He knows what she's doing, what she's going to say, and he doesn't want to go there. He wants to act like none of it happened. He's shaking his head. 

"Just let me talk please?" She leans forward in the chair. "Please?" 

He's still shaking his head. "No," his voice is final. 

"I'm not asking questions, I just want to say some things that I think you need to hear. That's all, ok?" She's watching him get more and more distressed and she wishes she'd never said anything. Hell, she _hasn't_ said anything and he's already panicking. He's really agitated, still shaking his head like a child. She decides to back off.

"Ok, I'm-" she starts to say sorry but Dean stands up abruptly. 

"NO!" He yells. His hands are fisted, shaking. He's instantly angry. 

It startles Kate; she doesn't know how to respond. As usual in any situation where she feels startled or scared, Gabriel appears. 

"What's going on?" he asks. He moves in front of Kate, positioning himself between her and Dean.

_Uh oh_ , she thinks. This is a volatile mixture for sure. She touches Gabriel's shoulder, moving beside him.

"We were just talking, Dean got a little upset but it's OK. Hey, Sam and Molly are getting married, isn't that great?" She tries to perk up her voice, distract both of them from what's happening. It doesn't work. 

"Yeah, great." His eyes flash to Dean. "So, you were talking huh? What were you talking about?" The question is directed at Kate but he never takes his eyes off of Dean. 

"Nothing really. We hadn't even gotten started when Dean said he didn't want to talk." She doesn't know what to say. 

Gabriel looks at her. "That's why you're here, Kat. He needs to know." 

_Oh shit_. She turns and looks at Dean. 

"What? What's going on? Why are you here _exactly_?" Dean's eyes are piercing. 

This is not going well, and Kate knows it. She sighs and sits down. She tried her way; she's going to have to let Gabriel do it his way. 

"I just wanted to tell you a few things, Dean. You don't know everything that happened while we were... gone. I think you need to know. Cas won't make you see, but it might help if you knew his side," Kate says.

Dean's face looks like stone it's so hard. He starts slowly walking back and forth. "You want me to see _his_ side?" He shakes his head, bites his lip. "Huh, so while I was being electrocuted, beaten, cut, burned, and..." Dean closes his eyes tightly and shakes his head. "During all that you want me to know what _Cas_ was doing?" Dean's voice even sounds hard, brittle. He's nodding like he understands, but she knows that's not why he's nodding.

"I know that you _think_ you know what was happening but you don't know it all. I've begged Cas to tell you but he won't, and I can't watch you both do this anymore," Gabriel says. He steps toward Dean; he doesn't try to hide his movements. He puts his hand towards Dean's forehead. 

Dean is immediately defensive. He puts his arm up to block, which Gabriel pushes it away easily. Dean backs up against the couch and is forced to sit. 

"What the fuck is with you angels and wanting to read people's minds?" Dean barks out. 

"I don't want to read your mind, Dean, I'm going to show you something from _mine_ ," Gabriel says and he touches Dean's forehead before he can protest again. 

Gabriel's fingers touch him for only a few seconds, but Dean's mind is flooded with hours of memories. 

They start in a white room full of angels. Dean recognizes some of them, they're moving around and talking, but there's no sound, it's somewhat like watching a silent movie. He sees Cas striding toward Gabriel, determination on his face. 

The memories jump forward. Cas looks worried, eyes pleading when he looks at Gabriel, and Dean can tell Gabriel is shaking his head. Cas looks down at a table, clenching his jaw. Maps are strewn all around. Cas closes his eyes tightly and Sam steps over to him and puts a hand on his shoulder. Sam looks scared.

It jumps again. Cas looks frazzled, hair sticking up as he tugs his hand through it. His movements are halting, his eyes starting to show panic. He leans against the walls of books in the library of the bunker. Cas suddenly doubles over; he keeps touching places on his body. Exact places that Dean had felt so much pain. 

_No._

Dean realizes that this was when he was awake. Cas is feeling the pain Dean felt, he felt it _with_ Dean. Cas rubs his hand on the back of his neck. 

A new memory slides into focus, Cas leaned against a corner wall. His head back, hands over his ears, pulling on his hair. Gabriel is too far away, Dean can't say for sure but it looks like tears are wetting Cas' cheeks. Cas must feel some extreme pain from Dean because he suddenly slams his head back against the wall, jarring his face. 

Now Cas is sitting in the corner, back against the same wall. His arms are over his head, his shoulders rocking. Gabriel's vision lowers as he kneels down. Dean can suddenly hear, this memory has the sound of Cas crying. He looks at Gabriel with tears streaming from those blue eyes, "I can't lose him Gabriel, please don't let them take him from me. I need him." His voice breaks as he goes on, "I love him. I just got him, please." 

It's the most heartbreaking thing Dean has ever seen. He feels his insides aching with pain. He was in hell, but so was Cas. And Cas did try. 

He hears Gabriel's voice in his head, it's almost like Dean is saying the words. "I won't, brother, I heard him too, we're so close, just hold on." Cas nods. 

This is when Dean started praying. It's when he prayed to Gabriel. 

_Oh, God. I put them both through it with me. I'm sorry, Gabe._

Next he sees Cas as they land in the demon's nest. Cas is in the room where they had held Dean, but Dean has been moved. His rage is palpable and as they move to another room he grabs an angel by the hair. He speaks to it and it smirks. He speaks again and then smites it instantly. 

He moves toward the room where the demons had taken Dean and Kate, Gabriel following. Dean sees the holy oil flame up around the angels, Cas looking at Dean. His whole body wants to go to Dean, it's obvious. 

He watches through Gabriel as Cas speaks, and a female demon steps forward. 

_That's her_. The entire time Dean had only had a second of being able to see her eyes, that's all. He never had a face to put with the voice. _That's HER_. Dean is shaking.

He watches what happened between Gabriel and the demons, Kate being held up by her hair.  
He watches the holy oil die as the sprinklers come on. He sees the demons panic. Gabriel is watching Kat, but from the corner of his eyes he sees Cas fly at the female demon and smash her head and heart. It's violent and rage-filled and exactly what Dean would have wanted to do. 

He sees Gabriel's hand come forward and the demons insides being ripped out, covering Kate in blood. Gabriel is beside her a second later, and then a wave of blinding light washes over the room. Just before Gabriel sweeps her away he looks to the corner. Cas has reached Dean; he's hovering over Dean's limp body. Dean remembers being semi-conscious here. It's bizarre watching a memory he has from a different view. There are demon corpses piled across the floor, he sees now what Cas had done to reach him. 

He sees himself, in the room with Metatron. Metatron's face is bleeding from gashes all over, his neck and arms covered in gaping wounds. Dean is covered in blood spatter, his face is terrifying. He's pale, he looks sick, almost like he's in bloodlust. Gabriel turns his head, looking at Cas, who's watching with a broken sadness showing in his eyes. Cas looks back at Gabriel and shakes his head, Gabriel turns and intervenes.

He sees Cas more recently now, just in the last week or so. He looks defeated, sitting across from Gabriel with his shoulders slumped. His face looks drawn, worry lines around his eyes. Dean knows what's caused Cas' appearance to change. It's dealing with him. Cas is beaten down, but he'll never quit. 

Dean realizes he's crying when he feels Kate sit beside him on the couch. She gently takes his hand in hers. He tries not to show on his face the pain he feels when her fingers move between his. The demon had cut him with razors between each finger, over and over, and he feels that now. He doesn't pull away, she's trying to help, and even though he feels her comforting touch as pain, he still wants it. He still wants to be touched.

No one says anything. Gabriel is still standing; he squats down beside Dean now and meets his eyes. Dean can't even be embarrassed about crying, he can't imagine anyone who wouldn't cry after what he's just experienced. 

"Listen Dean, I didn't want to do that, I know it's a trip. But you doubted what Cas felt while you were gone. I just wanted you to be aware. I didn't let you hear most of it because I was in just as bad a shape, quite honestly." Gabriel's eyes shift to Kate for a second, and then back to Dean. 

"I know you don't want Cas to take those memories away, but I want you to think long and hard about that. Why do you need them? I'm not saying wipe away the whole incident, but those really nasty parts? They're messing you up, Dean-o. It's understandable, but why not let them go?" Gabriel stands up and moves away, sitting in the chair across from Dean. 

Kate still has his hand and she squeezes it a little. Dean looks at her. She wipes the tears from his face. She's crying too. Dean doesn't know if she's seen those memories or if she's just empathizing with him. Probably the latter. He prays it's the latter

"Dean, I've been working a lot with human war refugees. People displaced or homeless, or who've witnessed things that they just can't process. I think you have PTSD. It's absolutely normal after what you experienced. I know you think erasing bad memories would make you weak, I know how you think, but this is different. If you don't do something I'm afraid you're going to self-destruct." She's crying harder now, she has to take a second to try to collect herself. 

"You and Cas just discovered something beautiful in each other, don't let something like this rip it apart. I know Cas isn't going anywhere; he'd be by your side through anything. But think about what you two had before and what you have now, how different it is. It's not fair, Dean. Don't let the demon keep on torturing you with these memories, don't let Metatron destroy your life." She cups Dean's face in her hand. "Just think about it, okay?" 

Dean closes his eyes and rests his face in her palm for a moment. She's right of course.

Dean opens his eyes and nods at her, "Yeah, I'll think about it," he says.

She nods, leaning back against the couch. They sit quietly for a while, even Gabriel is quiet. It's calm, it feels very calm. 

Cas appears for a brief second, he looks to Gabriel. "Something is happening with Metatron." 

Cas and Gabriel disappear. Dean sits up; he grabs Kate by the arm. They need to move, if a fight is happening he has to hide her. He pulls out a blade. 

Chuck appears outside the doorway to the library. He's holding Metatron by a set of chains. He looks at Dean and Kat. 

Dean stands, pulling Kate up too. "Chuck? What the hell?" 

Cas and Gabriel appear between the humans and Chuck, facing him. In less than a second they drop to their knees and fall forward in front of him.

"What the fuck? What are you doing?" Dean is absolutely confused. 

Kat looks at Dean for a second, she pulls her arm away. "Dean, I don't think his name is Chuck," she whispers. She lowers herself to her knees and lays forward. 

Dean is still standing there, staring. Metatron is right there, Dean is holding a blade. He could just step forward...

"No, I'm not letting that happen, Dean," Chuck says, he looks around, "Will everyone stand up, please?" His expression is mildly irritated.

Gabriel and Cas slowly stand and Gabriel helps Kat to her feet. Cas moves back by Dean. The angels face Chuck. "Father," they both say.

"Father? What? Will someone tell me what's happening here?" Dean's expression changes as realization sets in. "Wait, are you? Are you, God?" 

"I am," Chuck states. "And I am so over all this crap."

Kat is not moving, she doesn't want to look at him. She stares at her feet.

Dean now realizes he should stay quiet too, he lowers the blade.

"I don't know where it all went so wrong," Chuck says, "humanity is a mess, and now angels and demons are destroying the world, all in a power play choreographed by this little prick?" He points at Metatron. "I'm so done with all of it, why do you think I stayed away? All my children are a mess, a mess of colossal proportions. But this? The ego you must have, Metatron. It's so distasteful. So I'm taking him. He'll be dealt with. Harshly." 

At this Metatron closes his eyes, all color draining from his face. He looks ashamed. And terrified. Absolutely terrified. 

"Gabriel, Castiel, try to clean up a bit while I'm gone," Chuck goes on. 

"Yes, Father," they say in unison. 

"Father, if I may be so bold," Cas says, he looks down like a child afraid of a parent, "when will you return?" He sounds so hesitant, nothing like the normal Castiel. 

"When I'm ready," Chuck says, and he and Metatron disappear. 

Cas and Gabriel look to one another, and then Cas is gone. Kat and Dean stand there. They stare ahead for several minutes, not talking. Finally they slowly sit back onto the couch again. 

"I can't believe Chuck is _God_ ," Dean whispers. 

They're all trying to process. Gabriel and Kat are looking at one another, Gabriel nodding very slightly every so often. 

"What are you guys talking about?" Dean asks. 

_They're talking about you, Dean. How pathetic you are, how I broke you._

Dean hears that cackling laugh in his head.

Kat looks at Gabriel when she answers.

"I asked him if Heaven knows that God was here and he said yes. I asked him if Cas went to Heaven and told them and he said yes. I asked if Cas is back now and he said yes. I asked Gabriel if he's okay with what just happened and he said yes."

Kat finally looks at Dean. "And I asked him if he thinks you're gonna be okay and -" 

Gabriel speaks then; he cuts her off to answer out loud. 

"And I said yes. You're going to be okay, Dean."

Dean doesn't know what to say. Gabriel's faith in him seems misplaced, but Dean can't help but be thankful for it. He nods at the angel.

"Do you want me to stay with you Dean? I can stay if you want," she says. 

Dean turns his head toward her, he shakes his head slightly. "Nah, I'm ok," he tells her. "You guys get outta here. I need talk to Cas." 

Kat stands as Gabriel does. She walks to him, taking his hand. "You call me if you need anything, Dean." She watches him until he nods, and then they're gone. 

Dean sits alone in the silence. He thinks over what he saw, how he's acted, what just transpired.  
God was back for two minutes and now he's gone again. What does that mean? Does it change anything? He knew his feelings for Cas were unfounded, deep down he knew, but how can you help the way you feel? 

He thinks about erasing the memories. Kate is right; the thought of it makes him feel weak. But why? Wouldn't any normal person wipe something like that away? Does he really want to feel like this? How long will it last? If it's truly PTSD can't that last years? A lifetime? Is it fair to do that to Cas? To himself? 

He thinks long and hard, more and more questions forming in his mind. He suddenly realizes that this isn't a decision he should make on his own. If he truly wants Cas as a partner then he needs to discuss it with him. This thought, this _moment_ is a revelation to Dean. 

"Cas?" He says out loud. He knows he doesn't have to speak it, but he does. 

Cas appears, "Hello, Dean," he says. He walks toward Dean and then sits down in the chair across from him, where Gabriel was. 

"No," Dean shakes his head, "get over here." He pats the couch beside him. 

Cas stands, slips his trench coat off and tosses it over the chair. He walks to Dean and sits beside him, thighs touching. He turns his head, looking at Dean, studying him. He waits. 

"So, that was your Dad?" Dean finally asks. Cas nods. "You didn't introduce me," Dean says smiling. Cas smiles slightly.

"Listen, I'm sorry," Dean says. He lets the words hang there for a minute. Cas is watching him. "I saw. Gabriel showed me, before Chuck, er, God, showed up, I saw..." He lets the words trail away, seeing Cas close his eyes and shake his head minutely. 

"No, _no_ , I didn't want him to do that, I asked him not to, I'm so sorry. When did he do this? I didn't see it," Cas pauses, "when I was distracted with Metatron." He shakes his head again. "I never wanted you to see that, Dean, you've been through enough-"

Dean cuts in.

"No, I'm glad he did. I needed to see it. I've been... I know I've been pretty messed up. What I've been feeling and thinking, it doesn't even make sense, I know that. I can't stop it though." Dean runs his hands down his face, trying to wipe away the feelings. It doesn't work. "I know I need help, hell, I asked you for help and then I wouldn't take it, that doesn't make sense even to me. I'm sorry for what I've put you through--" Cas is shaking his head in protest but Dean goes on. 

"No, listen to me. I'm sorry for what I've put _us_ through. I can't get over the feeling that taking away these memories makes me weak, but dammit I want to feel good again. I want _us_ to be good again. Can we do that?" He watches Cas. This is the most rational Dean has been in a while.

Cas closes his eyes, then opens them and leans his face toward Dean. "We can do anything, Dean, " he finally says. He gently kisses Dean's mouth and Dean smiles.

Dean kisses him back softly and then pulls away. He looks into Cas' eyes and says, "Do it. Take them away. Do it before I change my mind." 

Cas stares at him, "You're certain?" 

Dean nods, he is certain. In this moment he wants it more than anything. 

"It's easier to do when you're asleep," Cas says. 

"Ok, I could use a nap." Dean stands and Cas stands too, he laces his fingers between the angel's, forcing himself not to pull away, not to think about the stinging pain of razor blades. He leads Cas to the bedroom. 

Dean undresses. He doesn't know why, he just feels like he should, and Cas follows suit. Dean lies down on the bed and closes his eyes, waiting. He feels Cas beside him, resting his hand on Dean's forearm.

"Are you ready?" Cas says softly. 

Dean nods, not opening his eyes. He feels fingers brush his temple and then sleep rushes over him.

Cas goes slowly, sorting the memories carefully. He doesn't want to erase the entire encounter; he doesn't want Dean confused about lost time or during future conversations. He also wants Dean to remember that Cas has done this; he doesn't want to hide it. 

Cas wipes the memories of torture, and as he does he kisses Dean. He kisses Dean's eyelids where she cut them, he kisses Dean's nose where she broke it, he kisses Dean's cheeks where she cut them open, his hands, his fingers, on and on. He removes the memories completely, or manipulates them so that they aren't traumatic. Dean will remember being kidnapped, he'll remember being tied up, he'll remember some conversations, trying to escape, being knocked unconscious, and then Cas pulling him out. 

Cas then goes through the memories in the weeks since the kidnapping. He again feels guilty for Dean feeling abandoned. He leaves most of these memories, Dean needs to know why this action was necessary, but he removes the flashbacks. He removes Dean being so forceful with him in the library, Dean feels strong remorse over that and it pulls at Cas' heart. Cas and Dean are the only two who even know it happened, and Cas would never mention it. He removes some of the break down after that event. He leaves the memory of God, of Metatron, and then he's done.

He pulls out of Dean's mind and lets him sleep, resting his forehead against Dean's shoulder. He runs his hand across Dean's strong chest, taking a moment to appreciate his strength. He knows this was not easy for Dean to agree to and Cas is grateful to finally feel like he can help in some way, even if it's small. Finally, Cas rests. 

Dean wakes slowly, groggy and not wanting to move. He feels the warmth of Cas behind him, pressed against his back. Cas' arm is wrapped tightly around his waist, and he can feel his erection pressing into Dean's hip. Dean takes a deep breath, enjoying this moment. He remembers why he was sleeping and notices how much better he feels. The anger gnawing at his center is gone, he feels like a weight has been eased from him, he smiles, closing his eyes. 

"Whatcha got there Cas?" Dean jokes, voice low and rough from sleep. 

He feels Cas smile into his shoulder and grind against him from behind. Cas' palm slides over Dean's stomach and Dean wraps his hand over it, then slowly trails it up the arm and behind him. He wraps his fingers around Cas' hard length, gently rubbing his thumb across the head. Cas pushes into his hand. 

"Mmm... I gotta say, baby, this is nice to wake up to," Dean says. He knows Cas loves it when he calls him baby. He feels Cas press a kiss to the back of his neck. Dean is fully hard now with just the thought of what's to come. 

Dean rolls to his back, looking at the ceiling. Cas puts a finger to his chin, pulling Dean's face to him. Dean pulls back and Cas looks confused, but he's in Dean's mind quickly and realizes the hesitation is silly. He presses a finger to Dean's mouth and Dean feels the foul morning breath evaporate. 

Dean smiles and Cas wants stare at that smile until the end of time. That mouth, those teeth, the wrinkles beside his eyes. Dean is the most beautiful thing he's ever seen. Cas smiles slightly, just one side of his mouth turning up, and he hears Dean's thought about the beauty of Cas' smile, Dean wants to kiss him forever. 

Dean closes the distance between them slowly, watching Cas stare at his mouth. The kiss is slow and steady, hands moving patiently. This is the first time that touch hasn't felt rushed or frantic for Dean in a while, and he wants to savor it. He feels Cas' jaw, runs his hands through his hair, traces the angel's clavicle which his fingertips. 

Dean turns to his side now to face Cas. His voice is breathy and soft as he kisses his neck, "I'm gonna make you feel so good, baby." He sees goosebumps rise on Cas' skin and he smiles. Cas grinds on Dean, their aching cocks sliding against each other making them both groan. 

Dean looks down, they're both dripping pre-come, it slicks them as they grind and it turns Dean on until he almost can't stand it. He watches, listening to Cas' breathing get faster, hearing him make soft whimpering sounds when the head of his dick slides over Dean's. Dean reaches down and takes both of their cocks in his hand, jerking them off together. 

It makes Cas gasp and he looks at the angel's face. His eyes are closed, soft breathy sounds escaping over slightly parted lips. He's so lost in the moment and the feelings he doesn't know Dean is watching him. _This is it_ , Dean thinks, _this is how it's supposed to be_. Cas is the match and Dean's the gasoline and they set each other on fire.

"God, you're fucking gorgeous," Dean says. Cas flutters his eyes open, looking at Dean. "I've never seen eyes that blue." Dean tightens his grip and watches Cas' eyes shut again. Cas' hand is squeezing his shoulder, he's getting close. "Come for me," Dean whispers. 

"No, not like this," Cas says.

He pushes Dean to his back before Dean can resist. He throws his leg across Dean and straddles him. He knows what he wants. He leans down, taking Dean's mouth possessively with his. He kisses him passionately, holding Dean's face in his hands. Dean moans, fingers digging into Cas' hips. 

Cas doesn't want to wait; he pulls his face back looking at Dean's swollen mouth, his half closed eyes. "Look at me," he says, and he uses his grace to slick things while sliding down onto Dean's aching cock. 

Dean meets his eyes, never looking away, fighting to keep his eyes open when all they want to do is close as he's wrapped in the tight hot sheath of Cas. 

"Oh fuck, you feel so good," Dean says. 

Cas slides all the way down and immediately back up, setting a fast pace. It feels unbelievable, and Dean knows he'll come soon, watching the angel's face as he rides him puts Dean in ecstasy. 

Cas keeps closing his eyes, then looking at Dean like he's making sure he's still there. His full lips are pink and swollen from kissing, they're parted and Dean can see his tongue. His hair is sticking up where Dean had his hands in it, he looks like pure sex and Dean has never seen anything more perfect. 

"Dean," Cas breathes. He changes his angle slightly and Dean knows he's hitting that sweet spot now. It won't be long before Cas is coming too. "Dean," he says again. 

Dean slides his hands from Cas' hips down his thighs, then up his sides, making Cas shiver. "I'm here, babe, I got you. Come for me, you gonna come for me, Cas?" 

Cas wets his lips, looking at Dean. "Please, I need you," he says. He looks like he's going to cry.

Dean puts his hands on each side of the angel's face. He mumbles constant reassurances to the angel as he kisses his temple, his cheeks, his ear. "Hey, it's okay. You got me, I missed this so much, I'm right here, not going anywhere. Come with me, you feel so good, oh god, love you, baby, I'm so close, come with me..." 

Cas slows and Dean looks into his eyes. "What's wrong?" 

"Did you just say..." Cas can't finish the question. What if he heard wrong? Was it just that he really _wanted_ to hear it? He doesn't want to put Dean in that situation. 

Dean smiles and reaches down, wrapping his hand around Cas' dick. He nods. Cas closes his eyes, he's rock hard and weeping pre-come. Cas starts again, fast and hot. Dean slides his hand across the head and down around, jerking Cas off, and Cas comes almost immediately, whimpering and saying Dean's name over and over. Dean is coming too, the tight heat of being inside Cas pushing him over the edge. 

Dean pulls Cas down so they're chest to chest, and Cas puts his face in the crook of Dean's neck. They're both breathing heavy, content.

"Mmmm," Cas says. 

Dean can't help but laugh a little. "Yeah, I second that." Dean rubs his back, massaging his fingers in, makes Cas relax even more. "Thank you," Dean says. He knows what Cas did for him; he feels like a different person, he feels better, whole. 

Cas slides his hands under Dean's muscled shoulders. "You're beautiful," Cas says softly into Dean's neck, like a whispered confession.

Dean smiles, laughing a little. "I'm glad you think so." He wishes this moment could last forever, and he makes an effort to mark everything about it in his memory. The feel of Cas' weight on his chest, his warm breath on Dean's neck, his palms cupping Dean's shoulders, his feet pressed against Dean's thighs. He wants it burned into his memory so he'll never forget it. In this moment Dean does feel beautiful, worthy, and he knows what a miracle that is.

"I love you too, Dean," Cas says.


End file.
